


Of Nightmares & Dreamless Sleep

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-18 13:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5930479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Harry and Hermione had been too late...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Nightmares & Dreamless Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

Maybe in another life / I could find you there / Pulled away before your time / I can't deal, it's so unfair.

And it feels, and it feels like heaven's so far away / And it feels, yeah it feels like the world has grown cold now that you've gone away.

Leaving flowers on your grave / to show that I still care / Black roses and Hail Marys / can't bring back what's taken from me

I reach to the sky and call out your name / And if I could trade I would.

And it feels, and it feels like heaven's so far away / And it stings, yeah it stings how the world is so cold now that you've gone away.

I reach for the sky, and call out your name / Oh please, let me trade... 

I would.

-Gone Away by Offspring

It's tragically absurd, the difference that a few minutes can make in someone's life. A few minutes quicker, and Harry might have gotten Buckbeak to Sirius before the Dementor's Kiss. A few seconds slower and the Dementors might have found an empty cell. But life is cruel... far crueller than a Dementor or a grown up schoolboy with a grudge. Life is cruel because it will bring you only so close to what you want, before snatching it out of your grasp. After the Kiss, they were left with deciding what to do with Sirius' body. It was usually offered up to the next of kin. I stepped forward to claim it. After all, I had been his friend, I had been his mate. Most relations find it too painful to have their family members returned to them in that state. Most bodies are left to rot in homes for mentally incapacitated witches and wizards, kept alive for decades in a dreamless sleep. But I could not do that to Sirius. Not to my love, who was innocent of the crime they stole his soul for. Anything Sirius may have done in his life was paid in full by his stay in Azkaban. But that was not enough. Twelve years was not enough, they needed more. They needed his life. Dear, sweet Sirius... I was told that when they came for you, you put up no fight. Your last words were that you were sorry. So sorry, for everything. And that you asked Dumbledore to take good care of your godson. I wish I could have been there with you, during those last moments, to kiss away your tears and tell you that you had nothing to apologise for. You could not have known. It was not your fault. But I know you never would believe it. It wasn't your fault, Sirius. It wasn't. But now you are here with me. What's left of you anyway. I took you home and gently cleaned you up. I cried for hours as I brushed out your tangled hair. I fed you and dressed you like a child with a doll. I see no recognition in your eyes as they happen upon mine. Vacant like a starless sky. God, Sirius, I never thought there would be anything worse then the day I watched you dragged away to Azkaban. The day I knew we would be separated forever. I was wrong. You are here with me, but it is like watching a muggle photograph. No more life or meaning than I would place upon you. At night I keep you close to me. I wrap my arms around you while I sleep, and wake in the morning thinking that everything was just a dream. That my lover never left my arms. But you did leave Sirius...and despite what I might pretend, you never came back. But still I hold you tight, so I can hear your breathing. Soft and steady. Mine comes in short gasps as I cry into your soft black hair. Praying for sleep. You already have your sleep. I envy you. A perpetual dreamless sleep, an eternal escape. I do not have this, Sirius. I am left with the nightmare. I clutch your frame like a scared child would his teddy bear. It hurts so badly, love, to watch you like this. Why do I do this to myself? Why can I not just let you go? But I can't, love...I can't. I will cling to what I have left. I will make it through the night. I will make it through this nightmare. I am not a weak man. I have endured much in my lifetime. I will endure this as well. I know that I will never see your sweet smile again, or catch another of your wicked looks. I will never again hear you call out my name, feel you kiss my face and taste my lips. You will never feel joy again. And I have no doubt love, neither will I. But I will cling to you none the less. I will stroke your soft hair and whisper in your ear something you can no longer comprehend, "I love you." I will do this because I am unwilling to let go of the hope that things will be better. I am unwilling to accept this nightmare. I can't help but hope, maybe one day one of us will be able to wake up.


End file.
